She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
