____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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