I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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