I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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