The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
