Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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