Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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