This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
