First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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