I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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