somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
