I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
