Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
