im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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