I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
