I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I AM VODKA MAN
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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