Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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