Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.