i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
