Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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