a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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