Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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