found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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