When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You can't special order awesome
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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