Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
