Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
