The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
