im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
