You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
A bitchslap is in order.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
