just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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