Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
