somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
