Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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