There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
