those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
