don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
