Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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