don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
