I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
