i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
