I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
