this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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