I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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