Only a mothe r could love this liver
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
