take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
