I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They took my balls.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
