How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
