I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
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I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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