When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
