My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
