This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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