im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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