I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The uberlube is also flammable
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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