ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
