A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
