So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
did i walk over a car last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
