my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Floor bacon is actually really good
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
