So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
